Cross-bearing

The last post was rather depressing, I apologise. But that is life- it's full of joy and tears. 


It's funny.
I lost focus last week. My lens became hazy and blurry, my vision was vague.
I spun myself around trying to see things but while doing so, was so dizzy I couldn't see anything at all.


This morning I woke up and felt terrible. I wasn't sure why, but it ranks top #3 worst mornings of my life. And the fact that I didn't know why made it a million times worse. 


I looked at myself in the mirror today and did nothing but frightened myself. I'm not talking about vanity here, but about fear. I wasn't frightened at how unpolished and imperfect my face was, who cares. I was frightened at the sight I saw when I looked in the mirror. I was confused. The eyebags were a distraction but I saw past that and felt like nothing was reflecting back in that mirror. It was all emptiness.


7 hours pass. I find myself looking in a mirror again in the toilets in my university and I still see that empty face. I'm not trying to be artsy-fartsy or philosophical but that's the truth. I just saw blank. 


12 hours pass from the start and I feel worse. It feels like everything around me is crumbling and all I want to do is go on an indefinite hiatus like John Mayer, except with life. Hit pause, or maybe even eject. 


14 hours pass. A smile finally creeps in. I spend some time with God, which I have admittedly neglected over the week and sing worship songs in the shower. If now was not a good time to turn to God, I don't know when would be. 


16 hours have passed. I am ashamed that in this week, God needed to push me right down to the bottom to remind me that He's got it all together. I am disappointed that I struggled through so much on my own when God was telling me, "Get in, I'll drive." And guess what I read in my time with Him today-


"Then [Jesus] called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" (Mark 8:34-37)


So, here's me taking up my cross.
How's yours going?